Couples That Work: How to Thrive in Love and at Work - Jennifer Petriglieri
Jennifer Petriglieri's book is based on a research sample of 113 couples who self-identify as 'dual career' and have verifiable careers—defined as "sequences of jobs that require a high degree of commitment and that have a continuous developmental character" (p. 229). It explores how two careers evolve together over time and how love and work require ongoing effort and negotiation.
This book resonated deeply with me. I read it after spending a decade restructuring my family life to accommodate two careers, love, and children. It provided a much-needed framework for discussing not just the logistics of daily life—who cooks dinner, who picks up the kids—but also the deeper layers: our values, identities, and power dynamics. This is the book I wish I had read ten years earlier.
A Personal Journey
When my husband and I married, I left a poorly paid job with no benefits in India to move to Oman, where he had an established, well-paying corporate career. It was a no-brainer. Though I knew getting a local work permit would be tough, I figured, 'It'll be fine, I'll find something.' I didn't. Instead, I felt adrift, struggling to reconcile my new role as an expat partner and financial dependent with my Scandinavian ideals of gender equality and dual careers.
Once we had children, his career took priority while mine stalled. By choice, I became a non-working expat partner, a wife, and a mother. But over time, I realized how deeply this structure shaped our identities and power dynamics. Petriglieri's book helped me put words to these experiences and see how they fit within a broader pattern of dual-career transitions.
Three Key Transitions
Petriglieri introduces three major transitions dual-career couples go through:
- How can we make this work?
- What do we really want?
- Who are we now?
These transitions align with different life stages and challenges.
1. How Can We Make This Work?
This first transition happens when couples face a major life change—like relocation or a new baby. It's about structuring life to accommodate both careers and love. I especially appreciated how Petriglieri introduces concepts like 'lead parent' and 'lead career,' gender biases, short- vs. long-term career perspectives, and concerns around career gaps/re-entry.
Looking back, several major transitions hit us at once: marriage, relocation, and parenthood. My husband became the lead career and financial provider, while I became the lead parent. This structure lasted for eight years, making me financially dependent and creating a significant career gap that was difficult to bridge later. The first transition is particularly complex in a cross-border context, where host-country expectations often clash with our own.
2. What Do We Really Want?
This phase is about reassessing what each partner truly wants in their career, life, and relationship. Petriglieri emphasizes the importance of building a secure base for one another and practicing 'mutual individuation'—growing as individuals while supporting each other.
Petriglieri connects individuation to Arnold van Gennep and later Victor Turner's concept of liminality. Liminality describes the psychological state where our identity is in suspension: it is an opportunity to figure out what and how through reflection and exploration.
The spring my youngest turned four, I had spent a year soul-searching, trying to be the best mother and wife while also figuring out how to return to work in a country where I wasn't allowed to. One thing became clear: continuing as the lead parent while my husband's career took priority wasn't sustainable. I needed change. WE needed change.
We took time to discuss what was realistic, what would work short- and long-term, and what it meant for where and how we lived. Moving from Borneo back to Oman, I leaned on my husband for support, and he stepped up as a more active parent so I could return to work. I had reflected - but I also explored and tried several options to find a sustainable career path. Without the shift in roles and responsibilities between us, I wouldn't have been able to restart my career.
3. Who Are We Now?
The final transition addresses the identity shifts that come when significant roles change—such as becoming empty-nesters. How do couples mourn past identities while embracing new opportunities?
We're not quite there yet, but I feel better prepared. Navigating life and future transitions successfully as a couple that works, we need to actively and continuously create space for open conversations and planning.
Love and work are not just individual pursuits but shared journeys that require constant recalibration.
Final Thoughts
Petriglieri's book is more than just a research-based analysis of dual-career couples; it's a practical guide for navigating life's inevitable shifts. It helped me make sense of my journey and gave me tools to approach the future with clarity. If you're managing two careers in a relationship, I highly recommend it—not just for understanding where you are now, but for preparing for what's ahead.